just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
