They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
