well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your dad touched me again.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
