They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
