Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
