Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
