I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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