I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
