I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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