you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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