I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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