my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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