does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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