After last night, I could never be a politician.
Screwed.edu
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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