Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
