remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so let's talk penis.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
