i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
