I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
