I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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