dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
