my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Every concussion has its silver lining
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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