If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I came so hard my ears popped.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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