After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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