apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
