My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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