Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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