If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
