Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
