I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
