my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
