dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
