Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
