I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
