I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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