Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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