I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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