I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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