Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
