Me too!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
