i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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