btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
