cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
