All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
