At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
