I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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