does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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