I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
