my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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