I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
