Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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