hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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