Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
