I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
