How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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