you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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