My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
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I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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