Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
